Saturday, March 15, 2014

Something

I've always been more of a laid back kind of person, happy, upbeat, with a positive, optimistic outlook.  But sometimes, since CJ's autism diagnosis in July, I've had Autism Sucks Days.  These are days where the reality of what my son is living with all but swallows me whole.  Before it was "official" I could fool myself into thinking that everything would be okay.  But now it is official, and there is no fooling myself.  The reality is, when CJ starts kindergarten this fall, it probably won't be in a regular classroom, and he may never be in a regular classroom.  He may never drive.  He may never go to college.  He may never be able to pursue a career, live on his own, or get married and have a family.  I have realized this, and those things are hard to swallow.  But that isn't the worst part.  The worst part of my Autism Sucks Days is what I don't know. 
Did I cause this?
I don't know.
How do I help him?
I don't know.
Am I doing enough?
I don't know.  
Does he feel alone in this world?
I don't know.
Does he know how much he is loved?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

When he sleeps, so calm and peaceful, I look at my beautiful boy, my child, and I feel my heart breaking with the weight of those questions.  When the reality of autism and these heavy questions smack me right in the face I lay in a heap and I sob, because there is nothing else I can do in that moment.  The despair and helplessness roll over me and I let it.  I need to let that out from time to time, I'm not made of steel.

But when that moment passes I find my resolve to do something.  I have to do something.  As you know, (or maybe you don't) I've already organized a race to fight autism and am currently organizing a team to run a different race to raise money for autism.  I'm also working with the local schools because I think CJ should have a classroom suited to his needs this fall.  But my something doesn't have to be a big deal.  Sometimes its something as simple as reading other autism parents' blogs to find encouragement, support, or ideas maybe I can use.  Below is an excerpt of one that really spoke to me.

"When you see that she can't master skills that come easily to others and that dark fear that it will always be this hard creeps into your heart, promise me to believe in her ability to learn and achieve."

"Please, just believe."  from Christine at Day Sixty-Seven Blog

So maybe my something could include this blog too.  Maybe this outlet for me can offer encouragement to others on a similar journey.  I'm still going to be writing about my adventures in running, but be prepared, you're about to get a more in depth look at me in the posts to come.

4 comments:

  1. I look forward to reading your upcoming posts. I'm sure you will be an inspiration to many!

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    1. I share your tears AND your encouragement! God bless all of you. Oh, and Janell...Cullen DOES know how much he is loved!!

      Grandma

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  2. I share in your tears and encouragement. God bless you all! And Janell...Cullen DOES know he is loved!
    Grandma

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  3. I think most parents look back on the time when their children were small and find that the most important gift they had to give -- and the hardest -- was their time. The pressure that comes from having a kid with "needs" doesn't change that. I think it only makes it more important. All the rest is a distant second. So the good news is: you already have the most important things!!

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